How can we help more men speak up?
An estimated 12,000 men are raped in the UK every year and more than 70,000 are sexually abused or assaulted. Yet hardly any of these men will tell someone; approximately 4 per cent! On average it takes 26 years for a man to speak out about sexual abuse or rape. (Survivors UK - 1)
I am one of those men and it has taken me 32 years to speak out.
12,000 Men Every Year
The school holidays are a time to relax and recover from working in schools, something
Honestly Ross, this is heartbreaking but the strength you have shown and the role model that you Are to not only me but to the young people we work with. A brave decision to make and one that will help so many people.
Thank you Hayley; I have been inundated with comments on social media – some bringing me to tears. Please share the blog with #WeSeeYou hashtag. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Well done! You’re a brave soul and will face any demon in future all the better for sharing such a deeply personal experience.
I’ll be getting a pin 🙂
I want to see that badge photo on social media please x
Well done Ross for your honesty and bravery, thank you for having the guts to share and highlight this issue. I’ll be getting a pin too.
Thank you for your support Lorraine – do share a photo.
This post displays the courage you’ve always had in you Ross and it’s both humbling and inspiring. You’d choice to be open about your own experience will give agency to those still coping with unprocessed trauma and also to teachers who serve the children in our schools living through similar or different trauma today. I’ve only had a tiny bit of negativity from people and I choose to be compassionate to where they are in their own journey. The most impressive thing is that in being honest you are now able to fulfil your true potential as a human Male! That is the exact same thing we want for our students! Love you man.
Jaz – I don’t know what to say to you. You’re the family sister I never had xx
Once again, you continue to be someone who can be admired for their writing. I am sorry that you have had to go through this and live with this secret for so many years. You have shown great courage and strength in sharing your personal situation and I know that it will help to raise awareness and make people think. You truly are an inspiration and I commend you for being brave enough to share such personal information with all of us. I know that you will take this bad experience and make it into something good, helping others to deal with their own demons and also educating people along the way.
Jackie – it’s been 21 years since we both qualified. I remember thinking this through countless times during teacher training, but there was nothing in place to help me as a teacher or as a survivor/victim. Probably would’ve helped me speak out sooner.
Full of admiration. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be getting one of the pins.
Thank you Julie; do tweet me a photo when it arrives with the hashtag #WeSeeYou and I’ll RT. Much appreciated.
You are an inspiration. The more people shine a light on such a serious topic, the more children will have the courage to speak out and seek help. I am so sorry that this happened to you, but your courage will help others to see a way forward, and you should hold onto that.
Thank you Kate for responding. Looking forward to working with you in Switzerland next week!
Thank you for your honesty. In my first term as an NQT a young man made a historic disclosure, I went on instinct to support him as 25 years ago there was little training.
Your story will help teachers and adults to pay more attention to the signs and be more able to support young people.
Well done, Ross, for speaking out. I can only imagine the courage it has taken you.
An inspirational article Ross. I identify with everything you say and wish I had the courage and resources you point to here earlier in my life. Thank you.
Ross – such honesty is a challenge to all of us and I hope we all heed your clarion call to put saffeguarding at the centre of what we do. Your openness throughout your ‘blogging’ career has done much to help all of us deal with the situations in life – as well as in teaching – that echo what you have been writing about. Thank you.
Thank you Steve for your support over the years. Hope to see you again at BETT 2019
This is so powerful brave and moving Ross; thank-you for sharing. It reiterates, if that were needed, the importance for all educators to respond to the DFE’s consultation on Relationships (and Sex) and Health Education to empower and protect children and young people:
https://consult.education.gov.uk/pshe/relationships-education-rse-health-education/supporting_documents/Final%20Consultation%20and%20response.pdf
Thanks for sharing the link John; so important all teachers take heed. I’ve been inundated with colleagues sharing their disclosures – it’s more apparent than I ever thought! We mustn’t allow ourselves to be complacent …
Ross – a very important post. This exposure that heightens your vulnerability actually is a strength and an empowering pathway to others.
Thank you Jane for your support.
I commend you for your courage in speaking out and as a teacher, I thank you for raising awareness. I will seek to follow your guidance.
I am aware of how shamed the victim of sexual abuse can feel. I know a young man who too was abused. He felt too ashamed to tell anyone and attempted suicide. He found the NHS too overwhelmed to help, but the charity Campaign Against Living Miserably CALM https://www.thecalmzone.net/)
gave him a lifeline and encouraged him to speak out. Thank you again for your courage; I have no doubt it will encourage others to seek help.
Thank you for sharing this, Ross. You demonstrate great courage and compassion.
Thank you Marion. Still early days for me …
Amazing courage in speaking out Ross, this must have been so difficult. I hope that by doing this, it has helped you.
I am sure that it will be instrumental in helping many others who have been silent. Having a supportive partner, family and friends cannot be underestimated.
Thoughts and support are with you.
Thank you Zeenat – my wife has been amazing. Have been inundated with support and disclosures. Important that anyone reading this who is a survivor, contacts someone qualified as a first step.
Thank you for sharing and inspiring others to have the courage to speak out. It was reassuring to hear that you had a great support network when you disclosed and that there are an increasing number of support networks for people to access. I hope that everyone who needs support in this area will be confident enough to find it.
Thank you Lynn. Without my network, it may have been entirely different. As teachers, we have a duty to raise the profile of CSA and signpost for colleagues and all students.
As a female survivor I cannot imagine how difficult it was to break that silence. If it is any consolation, I didn’t acknowledge my abuse for 40 years. It is never too late to break the silence and give yourself the chance to heal. You will have empowered at least one person to break open the locks. You are a very brave and strong person.
Hi Amber. Thank you. 40 years! Wow… a gentleman had told me he has been 49 years and still going, but my blog has inspired many. I’ve also been inundated with disclosures by colleagues; so important to emphasise 1 in 20 people, including teachers in schools!
Ross,
Thank you! Thank you for speaking out, thank you for your honesty and thank you for always striving to improve other people’s lives.
Thank you!
Ross I am so sorry to read this it’s just awful but I wanted to applaud you for speaking out and helping make this something that is much more openly addressed. Sending you love and keep doing the amazing things you do. Mads was v lucky to have you as a teacher – so inspirational. I’m sure you helped her hugely with her work ethic determination and self belief.
Hi Nikki – so lovely to hear from you and great to see Maddy doing so well, and all grown up! Email me here.
So brave of you. I hope other men find the courage to speak out.
Thank you for your courage sharing this.
And thank you for helping me better understand why it can sometimes take many years for people to come forward with their experiences. Training can offer limited understanding and ‘prepared’ responses, but reading the words of survivors is profoundly moving and a call to action. I read your words several days ago but respond now having followed the linked articles and as my #WeSeeYou button arrives. I hope wearing it will open discussion and be a reminder to myself of how much more I can be doing right now and everyday.
I wish you continued strength and support.
Dear Sally, thank you for reading in depth and responding – and for buying the WeSeeYou badge. Your continued support is greatly appreciated for the 96 per cent of men who do not speak up. That green badge on a poster in a doctor’s surgery (when I saw it 10 years ago) was my first stepping stone.
Hi Ross
I remember having this conversation with you on our very last week at Goldsmiths at a farewell party and I have thought about you over the years. What an amazing human being you are….. so proud of all you have achieved and finally finding the courage to speak out is truly an inspiration. Sending love and best wishes. Karen (Briggs) x
I’ve only just found this and it’s been at just the right time.
I’m no longer ashamed of what happened to me, but am at that in between stage of feeling like I should be more open & honest about it but doubting whether it’s right for fear of hurting other relatives who are, in various ways, connected.
But recently, I read someone spout the (and I know it’s nonsense) claim that the abused become the abusers and for whatever reason I can’t get it out of my head this time. So I really think I found this at the right time. I need to do something to get this out of my head and I will take steps to do so.
Wishing you all the best. Lots of research to back up that ‘abusers do not become abusers…’
Hi,
Thank you for this article . I feel I am walking a similar path as yours although a few years behind you … I too am a DT teacher who was abused as a 13 year old boy, it took me the same amount of time to speak up and then only prompted by an active police enquiry. It has been hard to find my voice but so freeing to do so as I am sure you are aware. If you have any insight into research into best practice in schools for encouraging boys speak up I would be very interested in pointers …. from my experience the abuse is distressing but the pernicious effects are damaging. Early intervention is key! But as professionals we can only intervene when we know there is a problem.
Thank you again for writing this article and to this websites editor Lynn for directing me to it.
Dear Nathan – thank you for reaching out. I am very sorry to hear the same happened to you. The more we speak about it, the more we can help one another; reducing the problem and increasing confidence in others to speak up.